A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $ 200,000 a year."
The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five >minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, >Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you >to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" >The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching >them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Oh Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable
to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Important information for living...
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his bus." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. " --Robin Williams
7) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?--Marilyn Pittman
8) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
9) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
10) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
11) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda Montgomery
12) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"--Richard Jeni
13) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
14) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde
15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
17) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
18) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
Posted by Roxette at June 21, 2004 02:18 PM